He Doesn't Even Know...

I can't believe how much he means to me

He's in my dreams
He wakes me up in the morning

I let him in
I know I said I would never...

For the first time I was open
I was honest
I was vulnerable

But it killed me...

I want to give him everything
And yet, he just wants to leave me

I don't know what to do to make him see
I was made for him and he was made for me

We been here before
I am his Queen but he doesn't even see me right now

He is so sick right now
He doesn't even recognize me right now

How can I make him see
That his sickness is killing me

Or maybe he is testing me...
Is that what this is?
One Big Test

Of my love, of my devotion, of my loyalty, of my strength?

I'm so in love with him
I am so devoted to him
Loyal to him...

I don't know if I am that strong....
I don't know if I can live through this...

This test...or this sickness...whatever it is...whatever it will be
It is killing me
Slowly and painfully

I love him
I want him so
He just just even know...

You See Me...

This is a continuation of another piece I wrote a very long time ago. 
I Saw Him...(part II) 

Eight years ago I dreamed of you
I saw you...
and now you have found this gypsy girl in her dreams

Even in the flesh you found me and you knew it was I
Even when I, myself, did not recognize you my King...

I had been thinking of you
wondering what was the pull and yet trying to ignore it

This time instead of a distraction I was sent a messenger that pushed us together...
and now I see you too...

And now here we are
Lovers united for all eternity

And now King...everything I do is for you
I find myself never wanting you to leave

You make me so weak and yet I feel so strong
I am still so very afraid of you and yet I can't run away

I am losing control fast
because when I look at you I see my whole future  in your eyes
Eternal love forged in the sands of time is like that

Your energy is even stronger than I remembered from my dreams
It pulls me in closer and increases my desire to make contact

This time you knew, before me, that this is our destiny
That we were meant to be

You are teaching me and now I finally getting to know
what love is

You see me....
and now, my love, I see you too...

Life is Fleeting...

Constantly I am reminded how limited my life is
I do not have all the time in the world and yet I find myself procrastinating
I find myself neglecting. I find myself not paying attention...to what really matters

I recently underwent a complete transformation
I had lost my way
I was unhappy
I was ungrateful

I did not know my worth
I did not appreciate my talents and I let them go to waste...

Then death hit me for the second time.
I was OK with death knocking on my door
Maybe that was a clue that I was already dead on the inside...

So I transformed...
I became a butterfly
I was flying high...in the friendly sky

And so when I returned from my metamorphosis, I was determined not to repeat the same mistakes
I was determined to dwell in happiness
I was determined to grow in greatness

I blossomed
I flourished

I was alive again

And then...
Death came knocking...knocking again at my door

He caught me off guard
And for a brief moment I lost sight of my will to live
I returned to the same pitfalls as before...the same toxic leeches

But how quickly I rebounded
For I am much stronger now and much wiser
My will to live is much stronger than my tendency to procrastinate and neglect

Life is fleeting...
I am here today but I can be gone tomorrow

I must leave a legacy
I must strive for happiness
I must leave all dark clouds behind and walk right into the sunshine...

Please let me go and live!
Because life is fleeting and I simply must fly

When I Think of You

When I think of my king...I always thought of you
When I think of my muse...I always thought of you
When I think of my idol...I always thought of you
When I think of my love...I always thought of you
When I think of inspiration...I always thought of you
When I think of eternal anger...I always thought of you
When I think of pain...I always thought of you

You held my heart captive for so long, my Pharaoh
I fought for you
I won you

You brought me joy
You brought me happiness
You brought me sorrow

I felt the earth and the sun move
I felt envy
I felt rage
I felt sorrow

I searched for you and when I found you, you toyed with my emotions
These foolish games you play with my heart

I didn't know it then but I could never be free so long as you ruled my heart
So I pronounced it aloud one day

"He owns my soul" I whispered
And just like that...my soul was set free...
returned to me

You see, my Pharaoh, you no longer hold me
I am free, so please let me be

I died long, long ago along with our love

and now when I think of you....I no longer think of love

What do I do....

I remember seeing you for the first time out the corner of my eye
I remember thinking...
"don't stare, but look, but don't linger...oh God, get it together, Erica!"

It is so hard to not look deep into your soul...
But I know that scares people and I know that I scare people
It's a gift I have

But I don't want to scare you
I want to go in deep with you
And yet something tells me that you could withstand it

Sometimes I see you and I lose my voice
Once I was not paying attention and I almost ran into you...
I swear I almost peed my pants

When I feel your eyes on me, I tell myself to run
Fast.
But I don't wanna run

I want to go in deep...

I feel it in my soul
You are just like me

You are that spirit that I have been searching for
You have evolved
You are coming on strong
You keep coming around in the most profound ways

You have to be him
You have to be my Ramesses

Back from the sands of time
Can you sense the royalty in me too?

You see me, I know you do

You still think about me the way I think about you
I still hear your voice from many miles away
You found me
And I want to grow once more with you

What do I do when my skin feels electric and I haven't even touched you...yet
What do I do when I see my whole existence in your eyes
What do I do when I know loving you once more could be the end of me

But if I am to die...I want to die of love of you
If I am to die again...I want to die with you

If you take my hand again, my King, I know that we will never ever be the same
And sometimes I don't want to love you
But I do...so what do I do

Don't Understand....Just Accept

For so long I yearned just for the people I called my friends to understand me.
For so long I so willingly assigned the title "friend" to people I did not need to let in.

The truth is, no one really gets in though.
I keep it all hidden.
Some call it self defense, some call it issues, some call it mere privacy. 

I just call it "me".  I'm just me.
If you were meant to get in...you will obtain access.

But for so long I wanted to be understood. 
I don't need understanding.
I just need you to accept.

Just accept me for me and appreciate me from my flaws to my talents.
That's all I could ever ask.

And well, if you don't want to just blindly accept me...
Please just walk away and don't try so hard to hold onto me... don't try to "figure me out" and tell me to change or tell me I have issues.

Just accept. Then we can get to connecting...

But those of you who get me and accept...me and you....we can get to bonding.

Lamentation

As promised...I dedicate this next blog to my Ramesses....

I was only a girl when we were joined in all of eternity
He and I, my great mighty king
He had not even taken up his reign yet but I knew he was destined to be someone great..
someone powerful

And so we were joined and I became his wife
I knew I loved him before I met him
The emotions I felt for this man...no other woman will ever know
But all of history will know....
the entire world will know the love and pain I feel for this man
when all is said and done

I was his beautiful companion
I was his beloved of Mut
I became his Great Royal Wife
His principle Queen

He was oh so powerful
He was beautiful; even though he didn't know it
I went in to battle with him
I fought for him
I lived
I breathed
I birthed
for him

He raised mountains for me
Just for me
and I wept so when he went away
No other man has ever made me feel so sad
No other man has ever made me feel this way

The greatest pain I would ever know
The greatest pain I would ever feel
when he went away
when he left me cold and lonely

oh how I wept and wept
prayed and prayed
that he would be back to stay
That he would return to me

That he would take me to our temple
I would give anything to wage war with him again
To love with him again
To birth with him again

And then I realized that it was not he who betrayed me
But it was I who left him

It was I who went away
I left him lonely
I was in the Valley of Queens

It was not he who had left me
But it was I who had passed away

his beautiful companion...his beloved of mut
his Great Royal Wife

Pieces of Me

It's been a long time since I have written a blog such as the one you are about to read.  I feel it's time to give my readers a few pieces of the puzzle.  I had to get out of thinking that I was "putting my business out there" and realize that maybe just maybe if I open up...I could inspire someone with my life experiences.  So here it is....enjoy.  Pieces of Me

For those of you who don't know, I recently moved back home about 8 months ago.  Before I left, my life was a mess.  I had no passion for my career, I allowed my day job to interfere with my business (something I still feel overly guilty about), I felt like my friends didn't really understand me, I felt like my family members were being selfish towards me, I lost a few loved ones and even dating was beginning to terrify me.  Then an opportunity came and I took it without hesitation (OK there was a little but not much)!

Those 13 months away did wonders for me.  I discovered work/life balance.  I tried new things.  I found some focus.  I created new pieces for my business. I became more self aware most of all.

The first thing I did was eliminate stress from my life by going home on time, getting active again and doing things I loved again.  I saw a change in my personality and my physical appearance.  My career was still the same though...and that had to change. Immediately.  A better career opportunity brought me back home and I couldn't be happier.  So now I had career checked, stress in check, renewed passion in my artworks, and a renewed vision for my business.

I now had to tackle friends and family.  One thing about family...they will ALWAYS be your family.  You can't change them and you shouldn't allow them to change you!  So please don't be afraid to stand up for yourself.  They will get over it and will still be there.  No need to elaborate on that one. 
Friends...this was the tricky part.  I knew that my friends were going to be resistant to these changes I made.  I was even prepared for some of them preferring the unhappy me.  I simply became "OK" with this.  I simply accepted the fact that friends will come and go and sometimes you have to let them go.  So that's what I did.  No hard feelings - no nasty arguments.  I simply let go.  I was accused of changing, of being anti-social, of not being the person they always thought I was (in other words "fake").  None of this bothered me because I was now so happy and aware of who I am as a person.  What others say about me doesn't bother me because I know my worth. 

So, in this renewed life of mine I have learned to accept the family unit I was given but still live my life for me.  I also learned that it's OK to have friends come and go.  It's called growth and there's no shame in that.  In fact it's a beautiful thing.  Real friends will grow with you.

Lately, that leaves dating.  I always felt I was incapable of being in love. I asked my really close friends all time what it felt like to be in love and how would I know.  Finally I was resolved to it never happening to me because I am just wired that way.  I am not saying I wanted it - I am simply saying that I felt I was incapable of it.  Therefore I was OK with it. I think it's part of being an Aquarian...we are so distant and cosmic.  As I went on a journey of self awareness though...I start to think to myself...maybe, I want to take on other roles I never took on before.  I started to think about children and really debate if it was something I wanted to do (without a spouse because I was incapable of falling in love, remember?).  Children still remained on my mind through the move...just debating it still but more or less....  Then I decided to get back into the dating game and everything was going well at first until I realized that I was dating "safe".  I realized that I was going for guys who, in my eyes, were well behaved and that I could trust.  Unfortunately with that logic, I could never get any passion or true love.  Why would I want love anyways since I was incapable of it?  At this time I felt all this was just pointless and so I decided to just STOP.  Just stop.  Take some time to decide what I really wanted out of dating.  In the midst of my "downtime" I had a conversation with a friend who was determined to find a meaningful relationship.  It was at that time that I decided to try seriously dating with a purpose.  It was then that I begin to see things differently and started to do things differently.  Shortly after that is when I realized - I AM capable of love.  I know this because feel differently about dating, I react differently to dating experiences.  I no longer play it safe and I am no longer afraid.  True, I have had some let downs and false alarms in past experiences but I have learned so much about myself and relationships.  I learned about what I want and what I will not accept. I learned that I was ready for love.

Through all of this I have learned to take control of my life and to have purpose in life to get the happiness I want.  I learned what I am capable of doing.  I know that I can be the best mother, lover, wife, friend, daughter, sister, whatever.  I have been through some things in life but my accomplishments are not to be taken for granted.  I should always be proud of how far I have come.  And lastly I should not be afraid of growth.

Crashing Down

It happened all of a sudden
I wasn't prepared for it
I had even become comfortable with the status quo
I believed that this was how it was supposed to be
That's the way it is....

But then one day, not so long ago
I felt it.
I felt it immediately...I peered into my soul
And then it happened just like that

I couldn't resist and I found myself knocking on the door
My hand barely touched the pecan wood before I was greeted so kindly
Surprised, I barely could breathe out a soft hello
See I had never felt energy like this before

All my life I searched for a friend who would listen
A friend who would not judge
A friend who would luv unconditionally
A friend who cared

In all my years I never found you...until now
You opened your mouth for the first time and I felt liberated
It was effortless for you
I don't even think you knew

The more you spoke, the more I wanted to stay
The more I saw, the easier it felt
I no longer ask questions
I no longer fear

You take pride in my artistry
You luv my accomplishments
You make me feel free
You make me feel connected

It's never happened to me before
No one ever ovastand

I don't have to hold back anymore
My heart is young again
What a great friend I found in you
Everyday you teach me something new

I feel silly
I feel blessed
I feel happy

Where have you been - but of course, you are probably thinking that about me
I'm ready to float off the edge and into the sea
You inspire me and encourage me to be free
To luv myself
You inspire me to luv you

From the moment you spoke, I felt liberated
All the walls I built up came crashing down

Desperately Seeking her Pharaoh

She travelled many miles from home
She took a sabbatical from ruling her nation

She was quite unhappy back in her homeland
She needed to find a reason to live again

Even with all the wonderful events life threw her way
Still she just wept everyday

So she took leave for many months
She made a pilgrimage north to turn it all around

Something profound was missing from her life
She grew weary of her duties
Her kin no longer believed in her
Friends didn't understand her plight
Her home, just like her life, was in shambles

Above all this - she lost her Pharaoh 5 years past.

He was everything to her back then

Together they fought wars
Ruled a nation
Together they were powerful
They were beautiful, hopeful and fierce

Together they were destructive
He angry
She dramatic

Still by his side - she wanted him so...

She watched him from afar
She turned away her suitors, pursued him, won him and cherished him so

She's returned from her distant voyage a new woman yet empty handed

Her Pharaoh - where could he be?

She discovered happiness
She discovered the truth
She discovered clarity
Most of all she discovered freedom

She's a better person for her pilgrimage
She was free
She was free...but she didn't know love

She wanted to feel alive, important, beautiful and whole

She wanted to know the most extraordinary love there ever was
She wanted to feel the intensity of passion that could only be shared between a queen and her Pharaoh

She spends all of her days caring for her people
A lot of time in wars and negotiations
And at the end of the day...
all she wants is to be held by her Pharaoh
Her one true Pharaoh

She seeks him out near and far
Is he out there? Where can he be?

Did he die on the battlefield of their love?
For she too felt she might have been fatally wounded

All she wants is her equal
To be accepted and adored immensely by only one

The one

No judgement.  Lots of passion. True love.

Her Pharaoh

She desperately seeks her Pharaoh