Pieces of Me

It's been a long time since I have written a blog such as the one you are about to read.  I feel it's time to give my readers a few pieces of the puzzle.  I had to get out of thinking that I was "putting my business out there" and realize that maybe just maybe if I open up...I could inspire someone with my life experiences.  So here it is....enjoy.  Pieces of Me

For those of you who don't know, I recently moved back home about 8 months ago.  Before I left, my life was a mess.  I had no passion for my career, I allowed my day job to interfere with my business (something I still feel overly guilty about), I felt like my friends didn't really understand me, I felt like my family members were being selfish towards me, I lost a few loved ones and even dating was beginning to terrify me.  Then an opportunity came and I took it without hesitation (OK there was a little but not much)!

Those 13 months away did wonders for me.  I discovered work/life balance.  I tried new things.  I found some focus.  I created new pieces for my business. I became more self aware most of all.

The first thing I did was eliminate stress from my life by going home on time, getting active again and doing things I loved again.  I saw a change in my personality and my physical appearance.  My career was still the same though...and that had to change. Immediately.  A better career opportunity brought me back home and I couldn't be happier.  So now I had career checked, stress in check, renewed passion in my artworks, and a renewed vision for my business.

I now had to tackle friends and family.  One thing about family...they will ALWAYS be your family.  You can't change them and you shouldn't allow them to change you!  So please don't be afraid to stand up for yourself.  They will get over it and will still be there.  No need to elaborate on that one. 
Friends...this was the tricky part.  I knew that my friends were going to be resistant to these changes I made.  I was even prepared for some of them preferring the unhappy me.  I simply became "OK" with this.  I simply accepted the fact that friends will come and go and sometimes you have to let them go.  So that's what I did.  No hard feelings - no nasty arguments.  I simply let go.  I was accused of changing, of being anti-social, of not being the person they always thought I was (in other words "fake").  None of this bothered me because I was now so happy and aware of who I am as a person.  What others say about me doesn't bother me because I know my worth. 

So, in this renewed life of mine I have learned to accept the family unit I was given but still live my life for me.  I also learned that it's OK to have friends come and go.  It's called growth and there's no shame in that.  In fact it's a beautiful thing.  Real friends will grow with you.

Lately, that leaves dating.  I always felt I was incapable of being in love. I asked my really close friends all time what it felt like to be in love and how would I know.  Finally I was resolved to it never happening to me because I am just wired that way.  I am not saying I wanted it - I am simply saying that I felt I was incapable of it.  Therefore I was OK with it. I think it's part of being an Aquarian...we are so distant and cosmic.  As I went on a journey of self awareness though...I start to think to myself...maybe, I want to take on other roles I never took on before.  I started to think about children and really debate if it was something I wanted to do (without a spouse because I was incapable of falling in love, remember?).  Children still remained on my mind through the move...just debating it still but more or less....  Then I decided to get back into the dating game and everything was going well at first until I realized that I was dating "safe".  I realized that I was going for guys who, in my eyes, were well behaved and that I could trust.  Unfortunately with that logic, I could never get any passion or true love.  Why would I want love anyways since I was incapable of it?  At this time I felt all this was just pointless and so I decided to just STOP.  Just stop.  Take some time to decide what I really wanted out of dating.  In the midst of my "downtime" I had a conversation with a friend who was determined to find a meaningful relationship.  It was at that time that I decided to try seriously dating with a purpose.  It was then that I begin to see things differently and started to do things differently.  Shortly after that is when I realized - I AM capable of love.  I know this because feel differently about dating, I react differently to dating experiences.  I no longer play it safe and I am no longer afraid.  True, I have had some let downs and false alarms in past experiences but I have learned so much about myself and relationships.  I learned about what I want and what I will not accept. I learned that I was ready for love.

Through all of this I have learned to take control of my life and to have purpose in life to get the happiness I want.  I learned what I am capable of doing.  I know that I can be the best mother, lover, wife, friend, daughter, sister, whatever.  I have been through some things in life but my accomplishments are not to be taken for granted.  I should always be proud of how far I have come.  And lastly I should not be afraid of growth.

Crashing Down

It happened all of a sudden
I wasn't prepared for it
I had even become comfortable with the status quo
I believed that this was how it was supposed to be
That's the way it is....

But then one day, not so long ago
I felt it.
I felt it immediately...I peered into my soul
And then it happened just like that

I couldn't resist and I found myself knocking on the door
My hand barely touched the pecan wood before I was greeted so kindly
Surprised, I barely could breathe out a soft hello
See I had never felt energy like this before

All my life I searched for a friend who would listen
A friend who would not judge
A friend who would luv unconditionally
A friend who cared

In all my years I never found you...until now
You opened your mouth for the first time and I felt liberated
It was effortless for you
I don't even think you knew

The more you spoke, the more I wanted to stay
The more I saw, the easier it felt
I no longer ask questions
I no longer fear

You take pride in my artistry
You luv my accomplishments
You make me feel free
You make me feel connected

It's never happened to me before
No one ever ovastand

I don't have to hold back anymore
My heart is young again
What a great friend I found in you
Everyday you teach me something new

I feel silly
I feel blessed
I feel happy

Where have you been - but of course, you are probably thinking that about me
I'm ready to float off the edge and into the sea
You inspire me and encourage me to be free
To luv myself
You inspire me to luv you

From the moment you spoke, I felt liberated
All the walls I built up came crashing down

Desperately Seeking her Pharaoh

She travelled many miles from home
She took a sabbatical from ruling her nation

She was quite unhappy back in her homeland
She needed to find a reason to live again

Even with all the wonderful events life threw her way
Still she just wept everyday

So she took leave for many months
She made a pilgrimage north to turn it all around

Something profound was missing from her life
She grew weary of her duties
Her kin no longer believed in her
Friends didn't understand her plight
Her home, just like her life, was in shambles

Above all this - she lost her Pharaoh 5 years past.

He was everything to her back then

Together they fought wars
Ruled a nation
Together they were powerful
They were beautiful, hopeful and fierce

Together they were destructive
He angry
She dramatic

Still by his side - she wanted him so...

She watched him from afar
She turned away her suitors, pursued him, won him and cherished him so

She's returned from her distant voyage a new woman yet empty handed

Her Pharaoh - where could he be?

She discovered happiness
She discovered the truth
She discovered clarity
Most of all she discovered freedom

She's a better person for her pilgrimage
She was free
She was free...but she didn't know love

She wanted to feel alive, important, beautiful and whole

She wanted to know the most extraordinary love there ever was
She wanted to feel the intensity of passion that could only be shared between a queen and her Pharaoh

She spends all of her days caring for her people
A lot of time in wars and negotiations
And at the end of the day...
all she wants is to be held by her Pharaoh
Her one true Pharaoh

She seeks him out near and far
Is he out there? Where can he be?

Did he die on the battlefield of their love?
For she too felt she might have been fatally wounded

All she wants is her equal
To be accepted and adored immensely by only one

The one

No judgement.  Lots of passion. True love.

Her Pharaoh

She desperately seeks her Pharaoh

New Series - "Searching"

So...something I used to do back when I first started blogging was to explain the inspiration or the thought that went behind a blog or belief.

The next set of blogs are inspired by this journey that I am starting.  For a while now I have been on this path to find meaning and purpose to my being.  I needed to remember why I always had this passion for life for it had seemed I had forgotten about that for a while.

So this next series of blogs is entitled "Searching".  Basically I am in search of something bigger than myself.

Enjoy.

Random Thoughts....

*Warning - Yes, this is really how my mind works.  Enjoy!

I smelled raw meat and it was stronger than usual
I almost gagged
I think I should be vegan now...

That's a sign and I am so over fish...can't do it anymore...

Oh my sister is pregnant...so I'm good on kids for now
I guess...

But I'm making an appointment to make sure all is good for when I'm ready and to see my options
Don't know why I'm telling you
Drinks make me think...

Dante says, "It's all gravy"

I guess...
I need a break
So random I know
It's crazy weird in here

Dante says, "How?"

It's crazy weird in my head
Thoughts are always jumbled
I go there when I want to be alone
But people try to come in
And I wish they would quit knocking
I'm trying to think

Sounds like a blog
I should write one or two or three
Soon...

No one gets it but it's cool
That's what I should do
Blog
All the random thoughts

No one will get it
It's cool
I'm used to it

Dante says, "You should"

Why is he quiet?
Is he scared?
A lot of people are scared of me
I mean...but I am not even a vampire yet....

Dante says, "Never scared"

He thinks I am crazy
And he is scared
People always scared
But my teeth aren't even sharp yet...

Dante says, "Getting used to how my new phone types"

It's OK if he's scared
Most are
Of me that is

Dante says. "I'm not. No, I don't. Not me"

I'm a little crazy
It's OK
Because I am, you know
If I was in New York, I would be normal

Does he know that I am blogging this text conversation?
I told him I could exclude his name
I mean, I am respectful
At the end of the day...I am a lady

But he says, "I find it sexy"

He crazy just like me

But he says, "Do your thing"

So I did....with or without him...like U2

But he says, "I dig crazy chicks...."

I can't even say what I want right now...so instead...I painted
Like Van Gogh

Romantic Shit He Says...

I don't even know why I'm tripping over you

Because this brotha right here says some romantic shit to me

He says he wants to restore my faith
Restore my hope
He says I don't have to change
He thinks I'm dope

He says he wants to hold me
He says he will make sure everything is alright
He would fly for hours just to spend the night
He says he wants to take me to new heights

He says my man would be severely lucky
But he has to be the right guy

He says "fuck that other man!"
That "he's a bitch and doesn't know what to do with a woman like you"

"You need someone strong and decisive" he says
You're a boy, he says.  You're not ready.

He says, "I'm ready now."
"I can take his place.  I can keep pace"

He says he can love me better
Treat me better
Make me wetter

He says he would kiss me like no other
He doesn't care who sees
He said he'd get on his knees

He says, "Baby, you're a dime.  Perfect in my eyes"
There's no limit to the things he would do for me
If I am lost
He finds me

His love for me is unconditional
Unconventional

He says he would make love to me until I am frantic
He so fucking romantic

I Don't Even Know You Right Now....

So good willed
So good intentioned
Such a wonderful person, friend for so long
So kind...
I was so damn blind

Told you everything
Shared every part of me
Opened you up to a whole new world
Tried to be your girl

Used to count on you
Rely on you
Lean on you

Do you even remember all the crazy shit you said to me
Betrayed me
Shamed me
Laid blame on me

How could you destroy me after all that we been through
I did all you asked
Became who you wanted me to be
Still you weren't happy

In fact you were down right angry
So cold to me before you showed me the door
I don't even know you anymore

And so I retreat
Lamenting over love lost

But you weren't done with me
Now who's desiring to come back to me

Now who's knocking on my door
Begging me for more

I used to want you so bad
Now the table has turn
I am no longer spurned

I grieved for you
Feened for you
Damn near a fool for you

Until my hero stepped in and saved the day
with the romantic shit he say

All over the place

Like a hurricane
That's how I think he was trying to describe me

He came to dance in the calm ocean
For so long he enjoyed the cool water
Until it hit without warning

The hurricane
She
Her
Me

But he was a hurricane chaser
He always knew it was dangerous
But he enjoyed the thrill

I don't think he ever knew what he would do if the hurricane came
Washed everything away
Decimated his world

Sometimes I think it destroyed his life
The hurricane
She
Her
Me

Took everything away that he thought was safe
Left him homeless
Instill in him the greatest fear

For he knew that the hurricane wouldn't last for long
And when it was gone
What would become of him

I wish I could tell him that I am not like a hurricane
I am like water, yes
But here to destroy I am not

Then he would see - he would ovastand
What I truly come to do

But instead he sees me as the perfect storm
Full of drama - so random
All over the place

It's Been A While....

Repost: Nov 15, 2009

 

Current mood:nostalgic

I thought about many things to call this blog...but this title, also the title of my favorite song by Staind....this title seemed fitting.

So...it's been a while.

10 years to be exact. We were kids, chasing each other around the parking lot, sleeping on hard floors, walking along the beach...I smile at the memories as I type this.

So careless and carefree...it was as Alicia called it a teenage love affair. You know, innocent and kind and a lot of fun. No fights, no arguments, no grown up drama....

I often think back to my time with him and think ...if only I would let up and allow myself to feel that I could have that once again but this time - something real and something more adult. If I like it then..imagine what I would love now....

I dissappeared on him. Like I still do. I just vanish from them. Maybe I wished I could have done things differently but somehow I still and always feel that things turn out a certain way for a reason.

Then he found me once but at the time, my mind was cloudy. I was going through some growing pains - feeling like an alien in my own land and trying hard to get to another. I think I might have pushed him away...as if to say "not right now, go away."

It was like...that was then and I'm grown now and doing so many great things and I dont have time to re-live the past with you. I didnt mean to...I was simply caught up...in finding myself. So busy trying to find my future that I was throwing away my past.

But still, 10 years later he finds me again. I am elated at first and want to know everything (in due time of course)...suddenly the feelings surge back up and I start to think...am I ready now?

Only these feelings are suddenly dashed away with the news of how harsh the years had been to him...and I start to think...maybe it would have been different if I was there?

I am saddened to know that he could have been soooo much more....sooo much more. He could still be and yet I feel the urge to keep running - like its too much to bare... all of his hardships that is...but what if I was there?

He could have been great. I dont blame myself but I just think what if...we had been discovering ourselves together...instead of me running away to discover myself alone....

He reminds me...Is he?

Repost: May 27, 2009

 

Current mood:contemplative

I'm chillin'..feelin'

sorta dissapointed....I'm roaming the streets lost in a city I once knew and loved.

But now...I'm feelin' like a stranger in this land - I used to be so inspired and my job back home got me down and I'm wondering if I'm swimming in the right direction.

He grabs my aura....He sees that I'm different - even in a city of freaks I seem to stand out...lookin like I just stepped out of the sixties in the face but my body stuck in the eighties...

But anyway...he grabs my aura pretends that he wants to sell me something...reminds me of the time I tried to pretend to be selling something...

I play like I don't hear him - I'm lost an I'm tryna find my way. He tryna distract me but I gotta find my way...back to luv for this city.

He won't let me go even though I tell him no. Finally he admits the truth and in that moment I see his true beauty - I think he noticed and is relieved.

I'm kinda getting out of something in that very minute....but I accept a midnight date with him anyways...now I find the luv I once had for this city...

I don't hesitate when I run into him again an it is quite decided that I am no longer in my current state.

I stare at his features...his facial hair...his faint dimples...his lips and his eyes...
he probably thinks I'm crazy - it's just that he reminds me....

And he so serious...and I...I laugh. All the time...our distinct differences reminds me...I mean he reminds me...

He trys to tell me what to do and somehow I find it cute like only once before....
I tell him that he does not have to call that I live so far away...he tells me that he will move - he don't care as long as I will have him....

I tell him...we just met and I don't care - "I understand" he says...I fall deepa....

It's just that these last few weeks I have been agonizing over events past...and here he comes reminding me...I mean - Is he?

Must be becuase he still haunts me...

Tells me I'm beautiful, that he misses me before I even leave...that it is official...because he has not felt this way about someone in a long time...and me...I have not felt anything like it either...in a long time...I agonize over it.

It's just that he reminds me...an now he texts me...forget him I say to myself...but I can't walk away...ya see?

It's just that....
He reminds me...I mean, is he...