You See Me...

This is a continuation of another piece I wrote a very long time ago. 
I Saw Him...(part II) 

Eight years ago I dreamed of you
I saw you...
and now you have found this gypsy girl in her dreams

Even in the flesh you found me and you knew it was I
Even when I, myself, did not recognize you my King...

I had been thinking of you
wondering what was the pull and yet trying to ignore it

This time instead of a distraction I was sent a messenger that pushed us together...
and now I see you too...

And now here we are
Lovers united for all eternity

And now King...everything I do is for you
I find myself never wanting you to leave

You make me so weak and yet I feel so strong
I am still so very afraid of you and yet I can't run away

I am losing control fast
because when I look at you I see my whole future  in your eyes
Eternal love forged in the sands of time is like that

Your energy is even stronger than I remembered from my dreams
It pulls me in closer and increases my desire to make contact

This time you knew, before me, that this is our destiny
That we were meant to be

You are teaching me and now I finally getting to know
what love is

You see me....
and now, my love, I see you too...

Lamentation

As promised...I dedicate this next blog to my Ramesses....

I was only a girl when we were joined in all of eternity
He and I, my great mighty king
He had not even taken up his reign yet but I knew he was destined to be someone great..
someone powerful

And so we were joined and I became his wife
I knew I loved him before I met him
The emotions I felt for this man...no other woman will ever know
But all of history will know....
the entire world will know the love and pain I feel for this man
when all is said and done

I was his beautiful companion
I was his beloved of Mut
I became his Great Royal Wife
His principle Queen

He was oh so powerful
He was beautiful; even though he didn't know it
I went in to battle with him
I fought for him
I lived
I breathed
I birthed
for him

He raised mountains for me
Just for me
and I wept so when he went away
No other man has ever made me feel so sad
No other man has ever made me feel this way

The greatest pain I would ever know
The greatest pain I would ever feel
when he went away
when he left me cold and lonely

oh how I wept and wept
prayed and prayed
that he would be back to stay
That he would return to me

That he would take me to our temple
I would give anything to wage war with him again
To love with him again
To birth with him again

And then I realized that it was not he who betrayed me
But it was I who left him

It was I who went away
I left him lonely
I was in the Valley of Queens

It was not he who had left me
But it was I who had passed away

his beautiful companion...his beloved of mut
his Great Royal Wife

Desperately Seeking her Pharaoh

She travelled many miles from home
She took a sabbatical from ruling her nation

She was quite unhappy back in her homeland
She needed to find a reason to live again

Even with all the wonderful events life threw her way
Still she just wept everyday

So she took leave for many months
She made a pilgrimage north to turn it all around

Something profound was missing from her life
She grew weary of her duties
Her kin no longer believed in her
Friends didn't understand her plight
Her home, just like her life, was in shambles

Above all this - she lost her Pharaoh 5 years past.

He was everything to her back then

Together they fought wars
Ruled a nation
Together they were powerful
They were beautiful, hopeful and fierce

Together they were destructive
He angry
She dramatic

Still by his side - she wanted him so...

She watched him from afar
She turned away her suitors, pursued him, won him and cherished him so

She's returned from her distant voyage a new woman yet empty handed

Her Pharaoh - where could he be?

She discovered happiness
She discovered the truth
She discovered clarity
Most of all she discovered freedom

She's a better person for her pilgrimage
She was free
She was free...but she didn't know love

She wanted to feel alive, important, beautiful and whole

She wanted to know the most extraordinary love there ever was
She wanted to feel the intensity of passion that could only be shared between a queen and her Pharaoh

She spends all of her days caring for her people
A lot of time in wars and negotiations
And at the end of the day...
all she wants is to be held by her Pharaoh
Her one true Pharaoh

She seeks him out near and far
Is he out there? Where can he be?

Did he die on the battlefield of their love?
For she too felt she might have been fatally wounded

All she wants is her equal
To be accepted and adored immensely by only one

The one

No judgement.  Lots of passion. True love.

Her Pharaoh

She desperately seeks her Pharaoh

He reminds me...Is he?

Repost: May 27, 2009

 

Current mood:contemplative

I'm chillin'..feelin'

sorta dissapointed....I'm roaming the streets lost in a city I once knew and loved.

But now...I'm feelin' like a stranger in this land - I used to be so inspired and my job back home got me down and I'm wondering if I'm swimming in the right direction.

He grabs my aura....He sees that I'm different - even in a city of freaks I seem to stand out...lookin like I just stepped out of the sixties in the face but my body stuck in the eighties...

But anyway...he grabs my aura pretends that he wants to sell me something...reminds me of the time I tried to pretend to be selling something...

I play like I don't hear him - I'm lost an I'm tryna find my way. He tryna distract me but I gotta find my way...back to luv for this city.

He won't let me go even though I tell him no. Finally he admits the truth and in that moment I see his true beauty - I think he noticed and is relieved.

I'm kinda getting out of something in that very minute....but I accept a midnight date with him anyways...now I find the luv I once had for this city...

I don't hesitate when I run into him again an it is quite decided that I am no longer in my current state.

I stare at his features...his facial hair...his faint dimples...his lips and his eyes...
he probably thinks I'm crazy - it's just that he reminds me....

And he so serious...and I...I laugh. All the time...our distinct differences reminds me...I mean he reminds me...

He trys to tell me what to do and somehow I find it cute like only once before....
I tell him that he does not have to call that I live so far away...he tells me that he will move - he don't care as long as I will have him....

I tell him...we just met and I don't care - "I understand" he says...I fall deepa....

It's just that these last few weeks I have been agonizing over events past...and here he comes reminding me...I mean - Is he?

Must be becuase he still haunts me...

Tells me I'm beautiful, that he misses me before I even leave...that it is official...because he has not felt this way about someone in a long time...and me...I have not felt anything like it either...in a long time...I agonize over it.

It's just that he reminds me...an now he texts me...forget him I say to myself...but I can't walk away...ya see?

It's just that....
He reminds me...I mean, is he...

You two...ya killing me....

Repost: Feb 3, 2008

 

Current mood:confused

I'm not sure how I am supposed to feel
I'm not sure who you both are...

You two, got me going like I am on a ferris wheel
And it's like I know that at any moment...

You both will offer me the chance to get off

The only thing is...you are both going to let me decide when and where.

It's not the timing that I am so afraid of but more so the "where"

I don't know...I just don't know...where to go
Spinning round n round in circles on this ferris wheel
And you two stay on my mind all the time - but I just don't know
Where am I going? Who are you two?!

Can't you see...can't you two see how you two are killing me?
You both got a hold of me

I don't know where to go but I soon feel you both will force me to make that choice...
neither of say a thing about the other...just spend your time with me
Silently vying for my affection - secretly persuading me to be your long luv

I try to avoid and ignore the passion in the air and push the both of you away
Afraid of what I feel could really mean for us two...us three?
I don't know if i can do this with you two....

You two ...ya killing me
And I don't know if we should be
I don't know where to go

One of you...one of you say you luv me

and well...secretly - secretly I luv you too

and the other...you say you need me...and well I need you too...
So what do I do and which will it be?
which will it be?

What is this voodoo ya put pon me?!

Repost: Dec 13, 2007

 

I wan know....

What of this spirit that haunts my mind, haunts my body...
Haunts my heart.

Ya come round an ya come round...

It's like a wild cosmic connection to the unknown.
I don't understand - my alter twin told me about this once...

She said there would be eons like this
The lightyears come round she would say
But ya gotta listen - ovastand why they come round

Why ya come round, eh?
Who are ya, my enchanted one?

Ya haunt me so...

I run away from ya - only to run straight into ya...

born under the same stars, on the same earth - ya even share the same occupation and dreams...who ya be, child?

ya haunt me so...

The only spirit to break this hard exterior of mine and ya come round and round

I yearn for ya and I invite ya always. I can't believe this spell ya cast pon mi love....

Why ya come round?! ya be the same person ina different body but the spirit always be the same....

ya haunt me so mi love
ya haunt me me so....

Luv Connection Pt. II - The cosmic yet stubborn attraction

Repost: May 23, 2007

A love affair like ours could be a wonderfully stimulating mental connection.
He, in love with ideas, and the visionary that I am - I am full of them.
Yes, indeed we both indulge in our own independence; however, we easily provide this for one another since we understand the urge so well.
He may find me a bit too stubborn in my thinking, or he may dawdle a bit too much for my fast-paced, forward-moving standards. However, there is no major static between us for we generally work very well together and understand one another on a very deep level.
We both share a great deal of this cosmic energy. We are so sharp and quick that we easily come up with newer and better ideas. Relying so heavily on our quick wits, we abhor wasting time.
I bring this king focus whenever he begins to waver, and yet I allow him plenty of mental space and freedom.
I am ruled by Saturn (Karma) and Uranus (Rebellion), and he by Mercury (Communication).
Together, the powers of Saturn and Uranus bring me a progressive, original mind and the determination to put their ideas to good use. They often call me the great humanitarian...
I am attracted strongly to him as he is a great thinker and conversationalist. He easily gives me that needed little mental shove. His flexible mind greatly aids me in times of tension or rigidity.
We are both of the Air ~ An intellectual bond so strong and true. Quite social by nature are we two; he, witty and chatty, in love with impressing people with that quick and agile brain, and me with my luv for all sorts of sistren and brethren.
He so fly with his free flow and independence and so very adaptable to change... and then there is me, much more determined, even stubborn, and generally preferring to take the lead.
We inspire the best of each other....share our deepest fantasies and sighes...
We got this cosmic attraction he and I....verbal interaction so stimulating it hurts....

Luv Connection Pt. I - Undeniable bond

Repost: May 22, 2007

 

My vision and his action makes us a highly creative pair.
We are highly competitive he and I...neva any static and life is always an adventure for us.
We have that special bond - a rare vibe - a great friend I have in him.
We understand one another's idealistic, enthusiastic outlook on life. We both crave excitement and new experiences -- the wilder and stranger, the better for us. We are two of a kind, he and I - into thrills and showing off.
Our bond is deeply rooted in mutual admiration. He loves how unique my unique character, my inventive vision of the world; I love him for his energy and initiative --
I crave independence, so his tendency toward possessiveness can push me to become aloof or detached as a self-preservation tactic. And though we have that special connection, we see the world in very different lights.
He can be too involved, and I may be too unpredictable. As long as we reassure each other that our relationship is important and secure, things will be just fine. But that is where we fail each other....
My enchanted luv is ruled by the Planet Mars (Passion) and I am ruled by the Planets Saturn (Karma) and Uranus (Rebellion). I pull my progressive vision from Uranus, and social conscience and philanthropy from Saturn. His essence brings passionate, direct action to all my lofty thoughts and ideals.
He is Fire and I am Air. I fuel him. I assist him in creating new schemes and then realize them. I stimulate him intellectually, something that most of the other females fail to do. We have wide-ranging interests, so my mentally active mind is sure to provide my physically active luv with plenty of opportunities for new adventures and crusades.
He is Cardinal and I am Fixed. I pull from him the confidence to charge ahead rather than just sitting in my laboratory concocting new ideas. I in turn, push him to stabilize and complete projects rather than jumping into new plans without completing the old ones. We share a lot of respect and admiration for one another, which helps smooth any obstacles in our eternal bond.
Together we cover all the bases... a bond of vision as well as practice. Working together we can conquer this world. He and I together - my eternal bond with him everlasting....my eternal luv.

Kinda fly....

Repost: May 21, 2007

 

Kinda fly with that sense and sensability about ya...
Take me by the hand and lead me into another world
Close me real close like I was your gyrl
Whisper in my ear while we do this mental dance
Grab ya by ya ears as I take my alpha female stance
Would you mind if I kissed you here?
Pull ya a lil closer so I can feel you near...
Put ya arms around me and tell me how ya feel
Ya diggin my style, I'm diggin ya flow...Ya diggin my sex appeal...
Whisper to me that we could be like this all day
And I'd let you too...if you had it your way...
So how you feel about running off together?
You seen her before, know what she's about ...don't front you know you want her...
Well, let me tell you how I feel - Show you what I think...
Ya running through my mind - you could be my missing link
Feeling kinda bold now that I have ya in my sight
Sending you the signals, baby now ya got the greenlight...
Wanna travel to other moons with you
Do all the things you want your woman to do
Show ya what it's like to have me in ya world...
Show ya what it's like to have me as ya gyrl...
I think it's you that make me high
And did I mention ...
That I think ya kinda fly....

See ya next lifetime type of feeling....or something like that

Repost: May 18, 2007

 

I once ran with a an angry brotha. Broken down and weathered by the world. Everyone and everything against him.
I hung in there for a little while thinking that my postivity would rain down on him and wash his troubles away...
Then we crossed paths....he looked my way but I was distracted...
It's just like me to be out there saving the world.
I had somebody - as broken as he was but he was mine. But this one was beautiful....in a straight-laced kinda way.
He was a "go-getter" and I liked that...
I always wondered if I was wasting my time on this broken brotha....
Should I have jumped ship to the "ready-made" man....
Nah...everything happens for a reason and under the right season.
So, is this the season....

Do you remember?

Repost: Mar 8, 2007

 

Do you remember where you were when you got that feeling...
Do you remember how you felt about that feelings....what did you think - Did you feel that urgency deep in your gut?
It happened to me this morning. I woke up from yet another dream and then it hit me this morning and I understand everything now. All the pain and agony that I was going through just recently. My fear, yeah my fear...I know understand where that originated as well.
I thought I could just walk away so easily and all around me people kept telling me what I was suffering from.
But I did not believe them. I mean, who knows me better than me, right?
I knew somehow I think...I was in denial or rather I was trying to cure myself of this affliction. Ward it off like a common cold. It's a usual thing like the cold however, there's no cure and I am forever tainted.
Forever a ripple in time and I will wear it like a tattoo til the end of my days.
I don't even understand how I will emerge from this world changing event in my life. I know that I will never be the same in all the days to come.
And yet should I ever get the chance to experience this again...I know that I will never, ever do it like this again.
It boggles my mind and I don't even know if I am here on Earth anymore.
So far gone, floating out there in space.
Do you remember where you were when you got that feeling?
I do. On my way to work driving on the streets of Atlanta when it hit me. all the moments shared - the good times and the bad....they all flashed in front of my eyes. Brandy was playing on the radio...Ironically enough it sounded like the soundtrack of the moment. It just kept playing over and over.
Then just like that, I wished I could make it stop. Wished I could climb back into time and stop myself from speaking up....Wished I could take it all back and go back to normal...
And now....now, I just miss all those times...and I just want to get on with it.
Get on with it. Tired of running.

Fear of You...

Repost: Nov 14, 2006

 

Current mood:indescribable

Terrified of you....
Afraid that my feelings will get the best of me and that my heart will spin out of control. This is hard for such an Empress to digest...the fact that she is falling fast and deeply for you. The fact that she finds you a worthy Pharoah...
How do you feel, King, to know that your Lioness has such Lion-like qualities? To know that she will go into battle along side you, to know that she possesses just as much strength and dignity as you hold...
She is afraid to show such vulnerability to her King even though she has waited her whole life for him to come....but now you have arrived and yet she is terrified....afraid of you and your power....wanting to merge her body with yours - yet she knows that she is not yet emotionally ready.
She is terrified to show what she perceives as weakness and yet this weakness proves that she is strong. Love will make her vulnerable...and yet brave...her heart becoming bold. She wants to demonstrate for her would-be lover how exquisite her love will be...
So she works hard all winter to prepare herself to do what she has never done .... to love this man with all her heart and soul. To be his confidant, his ally, his greatest love....his everything above everyone else. Little by little she tears down those walls of distrust and fear. All in the hopes that she will be able to become proud of the fact that she has, in fact, fallen into this deep, dark abyss called love.
Slowly she makes progress as she grows into her Queendom with her King. He teaches her to let go of her inhibitions, to submit, to love. She considers this opportunity to love in life and resist the urge to run away from the greatest accomplishment she will ever know...allowing herself to love as Jah intended her to do. Allowing herself to feel eternal passion for this one man and him alone....
Because she now realizes that her desire to be with her King is far greater than her fear of love.

Pharaoh

Repost: Oct 24, 2006

Current mood:loved

You haunted my dreams, my dear Pharaoh. You came in so lightly and unexpected in the oddest of places. It was like I knew you but... not quite. As if to say, "Don't go that way, here come with me" taking my hand and leading the way to the promised land.
You came under the disguise of a foreigner. And there I was with primitive thinking and small understanding. In a big way, we are both foreigners - however, of the same land. From a time when we were Kings and Queens. And you, my love, you ruled over the 19th for many years. Many of the others that would have been rulers over you perished before you. Jah chose you, my lion. He also chose me for you.
Forever your most memorable Empress. Your only Empress.
You dabbled in my native tongue and never asked why...never resisted. Ours was a union to be reckoned with...forging of a partnership between two great lands...coming together like our marriage to form a great kingdom under Jah.
But that was eons ago and now here we are again...barely recognizing our power...wondering why the masses bow before us. In awe of our great power they are.
And they should be! For before them stands you, my great Pharaoh, with your prominent features destined to rule this land before me. For you are my beloved king bringing about the great Exodus.
I had a premonition that I went in to battle with you. I fear that we will have to go into battle yet once again. But we will not lose the fight.
I only ask that Jah allows me to take my leave of this earth first once again...
As a life here alone in Babylon without you is certainly no life worth living at all and soon after your demise, I too, would sure follow.
So I take your hand now, my dear Pharaoh...holding it tightly so that you may lead the way to Zion...

Seriously crushing...

Repost: Sep 29, 2006
 

Current mood:hopeful

So I know that you all don't care about these blogs where I write about relationships and such...
You all prefer the activist...That's okay but writing is good for me and it's even better when I see that someone has digested my feelings...so even if you all don't respond...I feel good knowing that I got this out and that most of you took it in. Recycle my energy.
This is from the heart...never felt this way before.
Teedra Moses was right on point when she sung:
Don't know if you got a girl
Don't mean to disrespect but
Thoughts of you rule my world
I even dream of you, I swear
Visions of you and I

See you all around my way
Been meaning to say "Hi" but
I'm just way too shy
I gotta make you see this is
More than just a silly crush
This is more than just a silly crush.
I don't ever have feelings like this for a man. It has only happened once in my life.
But I think that this is not the first time this person has entered my life...physically or mentally. I touched on this a little bit in the last blog...this thing here runs deep...and it scares me. Really.

He has the power I run from...and I wanna run right now, but I can't. I am afraid of his power and yet in awe...something inside of me says run towards him as fast as you can and grab a hold.
I know it seems that I owe my past an explanation...but what more to say? I can't apologize for destiny...I didn't write it...but I do have to live it. I know he thought that what we had was real, but in reality it was safe for me. He did not posses the power. The power to hurt me, the power to make me love him...he was safe.
He knew...and I knew...that's why when he saw me cross paths with my crush...saw that we acknowledged one another...he recognized that spirit even if we didn't.
So now I see and this is clear to me....
This is more than just a silly crush.
He's my parallel, my equal.
Sometimes, I sit and talk to him and I wonder if he feel what I feel. Does he know what I am going through? That his soul moves me...
He probably knows that I never been through this before with my awkward stares...trying not to make a fool of myself and play it cool. I don't wanna play it cool. I know who he is and we certainly met before. Does he remember me? Seemed like he didin't and I almost turned away.
But then suddenly, one day...as if out of the blue...he looked up at me like, "hey, don't I know you? Like from way back?"
I smiled on the inside because he recognized me and that's all I ever wanted at that point. For him to SEE me. Not the outside but me - the real me.
I still want him to see me and sometimes I get discouraged so yeah I behave awkwardly and avoid eye contact but it's not my heart...but rather the hormones...
I'm scared of the power you possess...that is what causes me to hide. My fear of your power. My need for you.
This is more than just a silly crush...
Don't you know who I am? Don't you know who you are?
Most times, he thinks like me...wouldn't be surprised if he thought the very thoughts I have. Want him to open up to me...to teach me...compliment me.
This is more than just a silly crush.

I saw him...

Repost: Febuary 7, 2006

 

Current mood:peaceful

I saw him one night. He is my one and I know he saw me too.
I constantly travel these distant lands being the gyspy girl I am. Not many understand me...shit, people don't even see me.
But he sees me. Not just my flesh, he sees me.
I saw you my love and I know that you and I are not of the same land. We share similar backgrounds and beliefs but we never met each other physically. But I know that you are near and we are close to becoming we.
Since I last saw him...I can't stop thinking about him. I know he is strong and I know he has vision. Jah chose him for me and for him I wait patiently. He is worth a thousands years in solitude just for me to simply know him.
You are the truth my love and every since you visited my dreams, my heart and mind is calm. I saw you and I know you saw me.