Seriously crushing...

Repost: Sep 29, 2006
 

Current mood:hopeful

So I know that you all don't care about these blogs where I write about relationships and such...
You all prefer the activist...That's okay but writing is good for me and it's even better when I see that someone has digested my feelings...so even if you all don't respond...I feel good knowing that I got this out and that most of you took it in. Recycle my energy.
This is from the heart...never felt this way before.
Teedra Moses was right on point when she sung:
Don't know if you got a girl
Don't mean to disrespect but
Thoughts of you rule my world
I even dream of you, I swear
Visions of you and I

See you all around my way
Been meaning to say "Hi" but
I'm just way too shy
I gotta make you see this is
More than just a silly crush
This is more than just a silly crush.
I don't ever have feelings like this for a man. It has only happened once in my life.
But I think that this is not the first time this person has entered my life...physically or mentally. I touched on this a little bit in the last blog...this thing here runs deep...and it scares me. Really.

He has the power I run from...and I wanna run right now, but I can't. I am afraid of his power and yet in awe...something inside of me says run towards him as fast as you can and grab a hold.
I know it seems that I owe my past an explanation...but what more to say? I can't apologize for destiny...I didn't write it...but I do have to live it. I know he thought that what we had was real, but in reality it was safe for me. He did not posses the power. The power to hurt me, the power to make me love him...he was safe.
He knew...and I knew...that's why when he saw me cross paths with my crush...saw that we acknowledged one another...he recognized that spirit even if we didn't.
So now I see and this is clear to me....
This is more than just a silly crush.
He's my parallel, my equal.
Sometimes, I sit and talk to him and I wonder if he feel what I feel. Does he know what I am going through? That his soul moves me...
He probably knows that I never been through this before with my awkward stares...trying not to make a fool of myself and play it cool. I don't wanna play it cool. I know who he is and we certainly met before. Does he remember me? Seemed like he didin't and I almost turned away.
But then suddenly, one day...as if out of the blue...he looked up at me like, "hey, don't I know you? Like from way back?"
I smiled on the inside because he recognized me and that's all I ever wanted at that point. For him to SEE me. Not the outside but me - the real me.
I still want him to see me and sometimes I get discouraged so yeah I behave awkwardly and avoid eye contact but it's not my heart...but rather the hormones...
I'm scared of the power you possess...that is what causes me to hide. My fear of your power. My need for you.
This is more than just a silly crush...
Don't you know who I am? Don't you know who you are?
Most times, he thinks like me...wouldn't be surprised if he thought the very thoughts I have. Want him to open up to me...to teach me...compliment me.
This is more than just a silly crush.