It's Been A While....

Repost: Nov 15, 2009

 

Current mood:nostalgic

I thought about many things to call this blog...but this title, also the title of my favorite song by Staind....this title seemed fitting.

So...it's been a while.

10 years to be exact. We were kids, chasing each other around the parking lot, sleeping on hard floors, walking along the beach...I smile at the memories as I type this.

So careless and carefree...it was as Alicia called it a teenage love affair. You know, innocent and kind and a lot of fun. No fights, no arguments, no grown up drama....

I often think back to my time with him and think ...if only I would let up and allow myself to feel that I could have that once again but this time - something real and something more adult. If I like it then..imagine what I would love now....

I dissappeared on him. Like I still do. I just vanish from them. Maybe I wished I could have done things differently but somehow I still and always feel that things turn out a certain way for a reason.

Then he found me once but at the time, my mind was cloudy. I was going through some growing pains - feeling like an alien in my own land and trying hard to get to another. I think I might have pushed him away...as if to say "not right now, go away."

It was like...that was then and I'm grown now and doing so many great things and I dont have time to re-live the past with you. I didnt mean to...I was simply caught up...in finding myself. So busy trying to find my future that I was throwing away my past.

But still, 10 years later he finds me again. I am elated at first and want to know everything (in due time of course)...suddenly the feelings surge back up and I start to think...am I ready now?

Only these feelings are suddenly dashed away with the news of how harsh the years had been to him...and I start to think...maybe it would have been different if I was there?

I am saddened to know that he could have been soooo much more....sooo much more. He could still be and yet I feel the urge to keep running - like its too much to bare... all of his hardships that is...but what if I was there?

He could have been great. I dont blame myself but I just think what if...we had been discovering ourselves together...instead of me running away to discover myself alone....