Letting Go....

Repost: Apr 21, 2009

 

Unfortunately, I could not give this blog a category because it is sort of about love, life and family all rolled up into one...but mostly love.

So, I think all fam knows that I once ran with an angry brotha..."who isn't black and angry in AmeriKKKa....?"

yeah - I know.
But on the real - he was angry and it got the best of us...it got the best of me...well us really

I've had a lot of time away from the situation.
Tried to move on - laughed a little - lost a little.

I find that when the anger and depression of losing my uncle started to melt away that there were some things left in me that I had hoped would die. I wish the feelings were dead.

Stay with me now...and trust that this is real and it is all me - this blog was not inspired by a song, movie or friend. Folks, it is all me.

I find in the aftermath of losing a loved one what really matters...and what is fake. That time is fleeting and love is real.

Love for all things that is....

There is beauty in everything and even after all the hurt and confusion...there was so much beauty in us.

You see, fam...I got a hard time with forgiving and letting go. I always want to never forget so I hold on tight to the resentment and anger of certain things not realizing that I should have been holding on tight to the better memories - choosing to live with anguish instead of joy.

I find it so hard to trust people. I set myself up for their worst behavior so that if they ever act up on me...I would be prepared. I don't get involved so I don't get hurt. I keep everyone at a distance...just in case they let me down so that way when or if they do - I wont even feel it.

So I allowed myself to feel it one time and someone let me down so hard...I think for all this time...I never forgave that person even though all this time I have been longing just to be back in their presence.

So finally, I am not dreaming about my uncle (who bears the same name as the one I speak of at this moment) and now I dream of that person.

I constantly seek him and never can find him.

All I want to say is that I was dwelling over the fact that he let me down and that really deep down I was angry with myself for allowing him in...but today...

today I am letting go and I hope he does too...

See when he came back to me, my phaoroah - my ramses...i could not trust myself in his presence. my heart longed to be near and was glad to have him feel the same but my mind told me to be careful and stay back...so I did

But I let it all go...
And this is what I want him to know.