My explosion

Repost: May 7, 2008

 

I am like water so you all know...and for those who don't check in quite often...
This is to remind you that i am like water.
i go with the flow, very laid back and easy going....
so if I get angry or disappointed then no one ever knows...till I let it build and build and build up like an African village...and then
well then folks....
I explode.
I exploded today. I let another human being know what is like for Erica to act human and feel emotions. That's right I cried. Full of frustration and heartache of my own land that treats me like a stranger.
Maybe that is the reason I travel the globe so....
to feel at home.
To get rid of feeling like a gypsy - although this is the one characteristic I feel proud of - living like a gypsy
I wear this label like a tattoo.
but seriously...I exploded becuase I expect this from non blacks and especially non women...but NEVER from a BLACK MAN!
when I was kicked while I was down by my brother...then by another brother of mine...I thought I could handle it
I thought I was strong and eveyone else thinks I am strong
But today...I came home
and I exploded.
So much to the point that I had to call another sistah that would only comfort me and calm me down and let me vent all the rage that I have been feeling this entire year....
YES! the entire year...when you are mad...and then when you find out then you have been mad for an entire year...
let me tell you that it is a devastating thing.
Why do I feel like such a stranger in this land of mine?
Of Mine? Is it not mine?! Was I not born here?
I dont think you all in myspaceland ovastand or feel what I feel right now....
I went to school. i am paying my loans...I obtain the American Dream and still I get treated like a second rate citizen and I am tired I tell you! I am so tired of going through this sort of thing and maybe i searched for my belonging in all the other countries but IS THERE NOT A PLACE ON THIS EARTH WHERE I CAN BE FREE?!
Where I can be equal to men and other women - even those that are not black like me?
I can't let this break me and I must trod on....
I must...
without breaking down again...without exploding.